ENGLAND: Nil Points

A very good friend of mine and I have just returned from a weekend in Paris. I should point out this is absolutely NOT usual behaviour. It is precisely BECAUSE of usual behaviour (mainly on the part of our four under fours) that we got drunk one night and spontaneously booked an Easyjet flight and a tiny cupboard in Le Marais, before we could sober up and return to being vaguely sensible.

Keen to make the most of Vin Rouge time and the least of baggage claim boredom, we decided to take hand luggage only. A bonne idée until both bags set off the infrared scanners at security due to the sheer volume of vanity products. It’s a rude awakening to be given a small see-through bag and politely told you can only take what fits into it. Having to publically prioritise your beauty products is quite a challenge I can tell you, especially when you’re off to Paris of all places and will require at least an inch of foundation to get from bleak to chic. I could see the panic in my friend’s face as she had to question on the spot whether Touché Éclat should outrank Beauty Flash Balm.

Having spent a wicked 48 hours in a blur of cigarettes, sequins and ridiculously beautiful people, I have returned to a sickness bug. My daughter pretty much greeted me by vomiting at my (fabulous) heels and has whined ‘Mu…mm…y’ ever since, as if to provide a constant reminder of my role lest I had forgotten somewhere over the English Channel.  

Since there’s no chance of setting foot outside the front door, I have broken all my own rules and told the kids they can do what they want, learning in the ensuing half hour that ‘iPad’ is a key part of my daughter’s vocabulary – at 22 months - and my four year old liberally uses Google as a verb. Oh shit.

I have spent the afternoon making rounds of dry toast, stroking heads, attempting to catch vomit in various receptacles and wanting to punch Mr fucking Tumble. I’ve got a good mind to go and put my sequins back on.

The Poxy Pox

I am on holiday this week, house-borrowing in Bray. It's very middle-class, full of yummier mummies than me and occasionally you hear the whirring of a helicopter landing a celebrity to dine at The Fat Duck.

Whilst I sit here fantasising that Robbie (still old-skool in my crushes) might be slipping oysters down his gullet a mere hundred metres away, the reality is that it's raining, it has rained a lot since we arrived, The Husband is watching a 'Very Important' Arsenal match, and the children have behaved like little shits today.

I decided not to blog this week, as there's only a crumbly dial-up connection which will leave me feeling like I want to rip it out before it gets going (not the most patient person, me) and, of course I want to spend some Quality Time with my lovely family (and can't keep banging on at The Husband to put his Twitter feed down if I'm doing much the same).

But since the wine is poured and The Very Important Match still has 20 minutes to run, I wanted to share some quick advice on Chicken Pox. Random I know, but a good friend of mine rang earlier to ask for help, since my two kids sailed through it without too much bother. So, for anyone who hasn't had to endure The Pox yet, here's my (fairly) failsafe guide:

You Need:

Rhus Tox - a homeopathic remedy, by Nelsons, which is said to dramatically reduce the symptoms, especially the itching. The sooner you start giving it the better. It worked wonders (particularly on my son who took it before the first spots appeared).

ViraSoothe - fairly new to market, it's a gel which applies really easily and stays on - unlike Calamine lotion which is impossible and gets everywhere. If you insist on Calamine, get the cream which is mixed with Glycerin (I think?) so at least it sticks.

Dead Sea Magik Bath Salts (Boots do these) - pricey but worth it.

Bicarbonate of Soda.

Bath every morning and every evening in two big scoops of the bath salts plus a good tablespoon of Bicarbonate of Soda. The two really work well to dry out the spots and speed up the process.

I know none of these things are new, wizardly solutions (except perhaps the Rhus Tox), but the combination honestly seemed to make the experience fairly easy for me. And with two naturally dramatic children, I'm not saying that lightly.

Thankfully Arsenal are currently 2-1 up, which should deliver The Husband back to me in a happy state, so I will leave you with my Poxy advice and get back to the red. Get well soon, E.D x